A Guide to Getting Famous

Something to Think About

PLAN: KARDASHIAN

Step one: Make a sex tape!

It’s no coincidence that Kim Kardashian’s super-successful reality TV show, Keeping Up with the Kardashians hit the big time in the same year that her sex tape with singer Ray-J “leaked.”  

Gord Laws helps you plan your direct route to certain fame — without the lifetime of hard work and behind-the-scenes sweat!

Step two: Be “outraged” about it!

If you are going to go through with the tape thing (probably a bad idea, just sayin’) then be sure to act furious when a shady company starts distributing the flick. It is, after all, an invasion of your privacy!

Step three: Settle out of court: After an acceptable period of outrage, settle out of court for $5 million, and then ride the wave to years of mega stardom. Kim’s personal net-worth was estimated at $35 million in 2011. Not bad for a film with really poor lighting…

Step four (in case steps one to three don’t work): Become a Kardashian!

The family has just signed on for their ninth season of Keeping Up with the Kardashians and it’s believed they netted $65 million for their troubles in 2010. Why? Well, because they’re related to Kim, who is related to “that movie”. So best get yourself married to a Kardashian or adopted by Mamma Kris.

PLAN: JERSEY SHORE

Step one: Be a cliché

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino is reality TV show Jersey Shore’s biggest attractions. Mike is, simply put, the archetypal Ed-Hardy “boet” — the type the rest of the USA has ridiculed for ages and now can’t get enough of, which is clear by Mike’s $60 000 per episode!

Step two: Name your abs

Mike calls his abs, “The Situation.” Whenever anything doesn’t impress Mike, he boldly states (and this is the genius part): “That’s not the situation. This is the situation!” And then flashes his eight pack. Bang! Money in the bank!

Step three: Have no other discernible talent whatsoever

Besides the abs, make sure you’re otherwise utterly talentless and terribly unfunny. You just have to watch Mike’s embarrassingly unfunny contribution to Comedy Central’s otherwise brilliant Roast of Donald Trump… and realize if this guy can get famous, anyone can. 

PLAN: REBECCA BLACK

If you can’t make a good song, then rest assured that even your most truly, deeply atrocious effort could win you fame — like Rebecca Black’s song Friday for example.

Step 1: Have your mommy “believe” in you…

In 2011, the Californian teen (then 13) convinced her mum to fork out $4 000 so she could record a song and matching video.

Step 2: Release the stinker online

Unfortunately Friday made its way onto YouTube, where it should have quietly died, but despite being dubbed “the worst song of all time” by numerous critics, the video somehow notched up 167 million views.

Step 3: Don’t take a hint

Despite being universally loathed and ridiculed, Black is working on an album. Her follow-up single to Friday, entitled In My Moment, hit YouTube, and notched up approximately 590 000 "dislikes" against 340 000 "likes” within four months. More singles are set for release. Oh goodie…

PLAN: MILEY CYRUS 

Step 1: Be Billy Ray Cyrus’ daughter!

Who? We’re talking about the country-singer guy who had that one hit, Achy Breaky Heart back in the nineties, of course!

Step 2: Play Billy Ray Cyrus’ daughter!

In her smash-hit Disney TV show, Hannah Montana (2006 – 2011), Mizz Cyrus played Miley Stewart; an ordinary teen living a double life as a pop star. In a stroke of creative genius, Disney cast her real dad to play her dad in the show. His character? A once-famous country singer. See what they did there?

Step 3: Rant ironically about fame!

Miley recently ranted furiously in the press about YouTube stars (Rebecca Black in particular) rising to fame. “It should be harder to be an artist,” said the 19-year-old. “You shouldn’t just be able to put a song on YouTube and go out on tour.” While Miley can hold a tune well enough, and now that she’s 19, it’s okay to think she’s pretty, but she’s no rags-to-riches story, let’s face it.  So best you get yourself a famous daddy.

PLAN: THE PARIS HILTON

Step 1: Have a surname that means “Money”.

“Hilton” will do nicely. The name’s synonymous with hotels. And, in the case of family heiress Paris, being famous for nothing.

Step 2: Star in a reality TV show

Paris’ surname landed her a reality TV series called The Simple Life back in 2003, together with her then “BFF” Nicole Richie (who just happens to be pop legend Lionel’s adopted daughter). Since then, she’s become one of the most recognisable faces in the world.

Step 3: Act (really badly)

Paris’ Hollywood achievements include a “Worst Supporting Actress” Razzie Award for 2005’s teen horror flick, House of Wax and, a pending lawsuit for her failure to promote 2006’s Pledge This; a straight-to-DVD mega-flop of a sorority movie. Acting-wise, her “leaked” sex tape in 2004 is her best work. And, even by sex tape standards, it’s really not very good.

Step 4: Break the law. Often.

When you’re Paris, any publicity is good publicity. A 45 day jail sentence for drunk driving in 2007 was golden PR! She’s still on magazine covers, in fashion shoots, promotes her fragrance range and demands tens (if not hundreds) of thousands of dollars for hotel nightclub appearances — and we hear the Hilton pays well.